“Mothers I Once Was” by Kaveh Akbar. The title suggests these are iterations of being a mother, although, being a man, it begs the question whether he means himself or someone else. Can a man be a mother? Is he explaining the ways and means he has been a mother or mother-like. Another translation may mean that because he is borne of his mother, and was once inside her, made of her, these are the variations of his own mother.
It is 14 lines, and has some internal rhymes, so it could possibly be called a sonnet. Especially if it is in ode to his mother. But it has neither a regular rhyming scheme or iambic pentameter. Perhaps this has meaning as well?
Mother fingers in the mud. Mother begging bowl.
Both of these sentences in the first line uses words that could be verbs or nouns. Mother’s fingers are in the mud--possibly evoking the idea of creation--or she fingers (touch, feel, play) in the mud more action, but same idea. The second sentence could have Mother begging for a bowl, but most likely that Mother is a begging bowl, a bowl that Buddist monks use to beg for their subsistence and shows their non-attachment to material goods. In this one line we have the contrast of the powerfulness of Mother being a creator and yet not valued materially.
Mother lace weaver, drumming her web, babies
eating her whole. Bleachable mother. Mother apron
smeared with flour. Mother flower. Mother Florida
This is in reference to Black Lace Weaver spider who drums her web once her children are hatched to show them where she is so they can then consume her and use her as food. Of course, this depicts the Mother as one who sacrifices everything for her children. Bleachable mother is along these same lines. Sometimes all color seems to get sucked out of mother, or she’s able to made white (pure?). Each line seems to be almost a train of thought, so the former seems more likely. Bleachable (laundry) flows into bleached flour (cooking), which is smeared on her apron, another sign of creation, and perhaps another way that she is bleached. It echos back to her fingering the dirt--she may be bleachable but she also gets dirty along the way. Mother flower flows from flour--and mothers do indeed remind us of flowers. (again maybe that is why she is fingering the dirt?) Ironically,”Mother flower” is also used as a euphemism for cursing. I don’t get the feeling he is using that here, though, even ironically.
the wet bone. The marble throne. Mother sent back.
Mother Florida ties Mother flower, since Florida means flower is Spanish. Tying wet bone to Florida is probably a news story about bones found in a Windover, Florida pond that is 7,000 plus years old, and they had to keep them wet to preserve them, if they dried out they would disintegrate. It’s impossible to say whether he read the same article I did, but it started with a vignette of a small child being buried with its toys--one of the skeletons found in the pond. Perhaps the hardest thing a Mother has to do is bury her child. Mother flower linked with this story could also imply the death of the mother (perhaps that is the finger in the mud ?!) Bone links to throne, which goes from a mass grave to royalty. The marble throne could mean simply that or it could refer to the marble throne in Tehran, Iran where there is a famous marble throne whose supports are in the shape of women, men, faires, and demons. Since there is no known woman that sat on that throne, it could be implying that kings are borne on the back of their wives and mothers. It could also infer a marble throne discovered in the earth (link with the wet bone grave?) that has Aphrodite rising from the sea, or perhaps Persephone. Either way, it is one of the oldest artifacts that has a woman engraved on it. If he is referring to this throne, he could be contrasting life and death again.
Mother sent back. I’m not sure how this connects to throne. But to me it seems evident that it is referring to Mothers sent back to their homeland (deportation) without their children, which happened and was in the news a lot the year this is written. I can’t imagine being separated from a child, not able to help them or know what happened to them.
Mother bent back curling like script. Mother, depended
Bent back/sent back rhyme and connect itself. Here you can picture a woman bent over, always bent over with womanly work cleaning, baking, gardening, her back bent like a letter. As she gets older it gets harder to straighten oneself out, much like paper curls on itself after it has been written on. Mother, depended connects with bent back, as she becomes more dependant. Here the punctuation is interesting--it could mean that mother depended on the light or it could mean that whether or not Mother was mother depended on the way you saw her--the light.
on light. Mother? Depends on the night.
Now there is a question mark after mother. Depends on the night--again it could mean that Mother depends on the night--to give her rest, maybe. Or if it means sometimes she is a mother and sometimes she isn’t because maybe some nights she becomes another role.
Mother for whom the whole sky.
This is a stanza by itself. It seems to be a fragmented sentence, but it is probably my favorite. The Mother is the whole world. When she is happy the sky is blue, when she is angry is seems as if the whole sky would be cloudy. She is the thing you can count on, she is always there.
Mother hiding in the curtains, humming too loud.
Is she an insect again? Something that can be heard but not seen? Does she murmur too much? She was just the sky, and now she is an insect hidden but annoyingly humming.
Maggot mother at the shroud. Mother thought it possible.
So now Mother is a worm on someone dead. Feasting on someone already dead--could mean a renewal of life or perhaps it is symbolism of rot and decay--she causes rot and decay? Now she isn’t loud, but she is still something not wanted, yet something that insists on being there. Mother thought “it” possible. What is it? Does it have something to do with death. Does it have to do with persistence the other two sentences point at? And is it a good thing or a bad thing? Does her persistence annoy or inspire?
Mother was wrong. Mothersong. Our Lady Mother of Wet Beds
Again this is rather ambiguous. It could mean that what she thought was possible actually isn’t or it could just point out that sometimes Mothers are wrong. Wrong flows into song. Mothersong seems to be a type of song in the Arabic world that honors mothers. Their lyrics honor and show gratitude for Mothers. So perhaps mothers are annoying and wrong, but they are praised and thanked anyway. This honor of course flows into the prayer for the Virgin Mary that is altered quite a bit--Lady Mother of Wet Beds--well, again her work is not glamorous..
And Aggressive Disgrace. Mother persimmon, name sounds
Once again, this shows a bit of resentment toward the Mother, who obviously does not approve of the child’s action and is concerned with honor and public standing. Persimmons are bitter and so again, shows maybe the human side of motherhood.
the way she tastes. Mother with all creation fattening,
Not sure whether this means that Mother gets fat as she gets older or if she fattens all creation--my experience with mothers might be the latter.
Mother who held on while it was happening.
Again, don’t know what “It” is, but it seems to end on a high note. Whatever is happening, Mother is there.
This poem surely runs the gamet of all the feelings we feel towards our mother. Reverence, awe, gratitude, compassion, resentment, bitterness, annoyance, but overall by seeing Mother as a person with all these angles, I think it shows a love for Mothers that is complete.
