To Know

I thought my body would recognize
     my blood was gone--

I would feel the silver of mercury
     coat my bones,
     turn my heart to ash,
     choke my brain with thistles,
Then I would know;
I could prepare.

Before the phone rang
     the room would turn black,
     a thousand icy spiders would
          crawl down my back;
And I would know--
Before I would know.

But when the call came,
I was sweeping cobwebs from beneath the sofa.
How could I know
     (when I was sweating and panting)
That my breath was gone--
That my blood was gone--
How did I not know?

But I knew.
I knew when I first tasted the Fruit--
     it exploded inside me
     like so many sparklers
     feeling their way down to fingers and toes
     until I was filled up with
           lavender,
           honey,
           butterflies.
Yet even as I felt the moisture
     dribble down my chin,
I spied the Pit at the heart of the amber flesh--
          red,
           dry,
          a hard knot of darkness--
And I felt the metallic wetness
     like blood at the back of my throat
     when I swallowed it.
And I knew.

It sank deep in my stomach,
     It ate at my brain.
I tried to blanket It,
     like an oyster turning sand to pearl.
It became familiar in my side
And most times I could forget
That I knew.

But the Pit would work itself free --
     with lonely nights,
     cold dinner plates,
     newscasts on the radio.
When at last he re-entered,
     my face flushed,
     lying in the flesh of his arm,
     hearing the dampness of blood,
I would swallow the Pit back down,
Trying to ignore
What I knew.

Now that I have stopped bleeding,
     my mouth parched,
Now that the lights are extinguished,
The Pit rattles around in my cage,
     rises up in my throat,
     nibbles at my sockets,
Consuming me
     until everything is dark;
     everything tastes like soot.
Now I know.
(Of course I knew.)

They say the Pit is really a Seed--
If you plant It, It will stretch to the Heveans
     and bear Seedless Fruit.
But that means I must bury the Pit,
And that is all I have left.
That is all I know.